There is only one way I will be able to tolerate you wearing those horrible white socks to bed this winter: diamond jewelry.  Baby, I love you.  I love all of your adorable little quirks, like standing in front of the open refrigerator for twenty minutes, waiting for food to jump into your hands.  Like your insistence on squeezing the toothpaste tube ONLY from the end, and not the middle.  Like the way you jump when you see a cockroach, and bring one of the cats around to kill it for you.  But I do not—cannot—find you sexy when you come to bed wearing only a smile—and white socks.   I’ve found a solution, however.  I will stop nagging you about the socks this winter, in exchange for a diamond pendant.  Don’t think of it as a bribe.  Think of it as a trade.  And try not to think of it as buying my silence.  Think of it as two intelligent people finding détente.  You get your socks.  I get my diamond pendant.

It isn’t that I’m greedy for diamonds, as you know.  We’ve been together long enough that you know I am not one for big sparklies.  How many times have I forgotten my wedding ring by the sink after doing dishes?  But I’ve been looking online at some diamond pendants, and some of them are so beautiful I want to order them myself.  Instead, I have let a cooler head prevail, and I have decided to use your love of socks as man-lingerie as leverage.  We both know that it’s cold outside, and I, too, need to dress for the weather.  Nothing will look as great over a black turtleneck as a white gold and diamond pendant.  And nothing will look as stunning with my holiday party dresses (which you love) as diamonds framed by a red scoop-neck.

Last year, I was all about the TMX Elmo, I know.  You’re never too old.  But this year, what I really, really want, and what will help me smile begrudgingly as you climb into bed with those warm, worn, raggedy socks on, is one of these diamond pendants.

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